What We Learn to Call Normal
How family patterns shape safety and belonging
When I was ten, I asked my father, "Could we please go home?" Instead, he placed a couple of coins in my hand and sent me to play arcade games or pool. He had been sitting at the bar at the soccer club for hours. The other families had gone home. Each time I asked, he sent me back to play a little longer.
When we finally left, he could barely walk straight. He seemed confused, and I did not think he could drive. Still, he got behind the wheel, with me in the back seat. I remember the heavy feeling that something was wrong. The car moved erratically, and I feared for my life. All I could think about was that we might end up in the canal and drown. Somehow, we made it home.
A few years later, as a teenager, I began drinking at parties with friends. It started with beer and moved on to stronger drinks. Sometimes, we began drinking before we even got to the party. Gradually, alcohol became a daily companion. I brought bottles to school.
I remember staying over at a friend’s house and going to a show with her parents. There, drinking seemed routine; even the next-day hangover was treated as ordinary. In my own family, among friends, at school, and in the party scene, frequent drunkenness could be embarrassing or taboo without always being recognized as a sign that someone might need help. I absorbed mixed messages: drinking could be ordinary, then shameful, while the question of whether someone was safe or struggling went unasked.
I am still learning how to make sense of those experiences. I do not see family history as a script that determines who we become. But it can shape what we recognize, tolerate, fear, or carry into adult relationships. Knowing what felt normal in our early lives can help us choose more deliberately what we want to repeat and what we want to change.
The wider picture matters too. In Sciensano’s 2023–2024 Belgian Health Interview Survey, 9.9% reported experiencing problems related to their alcohol use in the previous 12 months (Sciensano, 2025). This national figure doesn't describe any one family, but it shows that alcohol-related problems are part of a wider public-health picture.
When we notice repeated intoxication, drinking to cope, or situations where someone’s safety is at risk, we can respond earlier and without shame. We can ask a caring question, listen, and help someone find support. For those of us thinking about the relationships we want to build, it may also help to ask: What did my family teach me to call normal? What helps me feel safe with another person? Which patterns do I want to carry forward, and which do I want to leave behind?
Reference
Sciensano. (2025). Alcohol consumption: Main results [Infographic]. https://www.sciensano.be/sites/default/files/infographic_al_en.pdf
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