Listening Before I Challenge

For a class assignment, I interviewed someone whose views on social issues differed from mine. I approached the conversation with my faith and convictions in mind. I expected those differences to stand out.

They did. But I also heard someone who had thought carefully about difficult questions. That challenged an assumption I carried: because he didn't believe in God, I expected his moral reasoning to lack something important.

I asked whether the father should have a say in the abortion decision. As I recorded it afterward, he gave greater weight to the woman’s body and to the fact that she would bear the pregnancy and, if she continued it, much of the responsibility of raising the child. I explained that I opposed abortion in general, though I believed there were exceptions, including when the mother’s life was at risk or the baby was not expected to survive. I also believed that, in general, the mother and father should make the decision together.

I don’t remember the exact wording of our conversation now. But I remember what surprised me: his reasoning was serious and compassionate. He was weighing the woman’s autonomy and the physical and lifelong consequences of pregnancy and parenting. I still disagreed with where he placed the weight. But I could see that he had thought carefully about the question.

That conversation didn’t change my convictions. It did make me question the shortcut I had taken from he doesn’t share my belief in God to his moral reasoning must be deficient. We were beginning from different foundations and reaching different conclusions. I had mistaken that difference for a lack of moral seriousness.

Listening made me reconsider how I approach disagreement. I don’t think the answer is to avoid challenging people. If I believe an argument is mistaken, I can say so and explain why. But I want to respond to what someone actually believes, not to a version of their view that is easier for me to dismiss.

I’m still thinking about the distance between recognizing the care in someone’s reasoning and accepting their conclusion. Can I take the first seriously while remaining clear about the second?