Before Choosing a Partner, Ask What You Bring With You

Alexander Scholtz studies marriage and family relationships and is developing educational workshops for single adults preparing for healthy long-term relationships.

This reflection introduces some of the questions explored more deeply in my workshop, Know Yourself Before Choosing a Partner. When we think about choosing a partner, we often focus on the other person.

Are they kind? Do we share the same values? Are we attracted to each other? Could we build a life together?

These are important questions. But there is another question that deserves just as much attention:

What am I bringing with me into a relationship?

None of us enters love as a blank page. We bring memories, expectations, values, fears, strengths, and ways of responding that began forming long before our first date. Some of these help us love well. Others may quietly interfere with the kind of relationship we hope to build.

Knowing yourself does not mean having everything figured out before entering a relationship. It means becoming more aware of what shaped you, what matters to you, and what you want to choose intentionally.

The following five reflections can help you begin.

Reflection 1: My History

What shaped my ideas about relationships?

Our earliest relationships quietly teach us what love is supposed to look like.

We learn whether affection is expressed openly or kept private. We observe whether disagreements are discussed, avoided, or allowed to become hostile. We absorb ideas about money, faith, gender roles, independence, forgiveness, and family loyalty.

Research has found connections between experiences in our families of origin and the ways we later function in romantic relationships. For example, a longitudinal study found that nurturing and involved parenting was associated with warmer, more supportive behavior in participants’ later romantic relationships.

This does not mean that our families determine our future. Influence is not destiny.

A useful way to examine relationship inheritance is:

Experience → Message → Pattern → Choice

Imagine that money was frequently a source of conflict in your family.

• Experience: Money was constantly argued about.

• Message: Talking about money threatens relationships.

• Pattern: I avoid financial conversations.

• Choice: I can learn to discuss money calmly and openly.

Our inheritance can also include strengths:

• Experience: My parents apologized when they hurt each other.

• Message: Making a mistake does not have to threaten love.

• Pattern: I am comfortable repairing relationships.

• Choice: I want to preserve this strength.

The purpose of looking backward is not to judge our families or catalogue everything they did wrong. It is to notice what we are carrying so that we can decide what we want to keep.

Pause and reflect

Complete one or two of these sentences:

• In my family, affection was usually...

• When someone was upset, we...

• Conflict was usually...

• We showed love by...

• The way my family approached money was...

• One pattern I want to carry forward is...

• One pattern I would like to change is...

Then ask yourself:

How might my history affect whom I am attracted to or how I interpret another person’s behavior?

Reflection 2: My Values

What matters most to me?

People enter relationships with ideals about what a partner and a relationship should be like. Those ideals influence what we notice, whom we choose, and how we evaluate the relationship once we are in it.

Consider the following relationship values:

Faith, children, loyalty, honesty, affection, family, friendship, commitment, communication, independence, financial security, stability, service, adventure, and personal growth.

Choose the five that matter most to you. Then narrow your list down to three.

Now examine each of your choices:

• C — Core value: Something fundamental to the life and relationship I want to build.

• P — Preference: Something I would enjoy but could potentially be flexible about.

• A — Assumption: Something I may have absorbed and should examine more carefully.
  

For example, shared faith might be a core value. Enjoying the same hobbies might be a preference. Expecting one partner always to earn more than the other might be an inherited assumption rather than a carefully chosen value.

A long list of requirements can make us feel prepared while actually preventing us from seeing another person clearly. The goal is not to design a flawless imaginary partner. It is to understand which differences are workable and which touch something truly fundamental.

Pause and reflect

• Which three values are most important to me?

• Which differences could I comfortably live with?

• Which differences would affect the kind of life I hope to build?

• Am I asking for a shared value, or insisting that the other person express that value exactly as I do?
  

Reflection 3: My Assumptions

What am I taking for granted?

Two people can share the same values while holding very different expectations about how those values should be lived.

Consider this situation:

One person enjoys texting throughout the day. The other prefers one meaningful conversation in the evening. One begins to feel neglected; the other begins to feel crowded.

Neither person is necessarily uncaring. They may simply be working with different assumptions about what attentiveness looks like.

Or consider finances:

One person expects a married couple to combine all their money. The other believes each partner should retain some financial independence.

The disagreement may involve values, preferences, fears, practical concerns, or family experiences. The couple will not discover which unless they talk about it.

Even shared faith can contain different expectations:

Two people belong to the same faith. One expects a couple to pray, study scripture, and attend activities together regularly. The other values the same faith but prefers a more individual spiritual practice.

Sharing a value does not automatically mean sharing every expectation connected to it.

Pause and reflect

Choose one of the examples above and ask:

• What was my immediate reaction?

• What assumption might be underneath that reaction?

• Is it a core value, a preference, or an expectation I have never examined?

• What would I need to discuss with a future partner rather than simply assume?
  

Before deciding that someone is wrong for you, it can be helpful to ask:

Am I responding to a genuine incompatibility, or to a difference that needs curiosity and conversation?

Reflection 4: My Strengths and Growth Areas

What kind of partner am I becoming?

Preparing for a healthy relationship is not only about learning how to recognize the right person. It is also about becoming more capable of creating a healthy relationship.

Relationship self-regulation means focusing on the changes we can make in ourselves instead of concentrating primarily on changing another person. Research has found a positive association between relationship self-regulation and relationship quality.

Create a simple personal relationship compass:

• I want to carry forward: ____________________

• I want to leave behind or change: ____________________

• A value I want to protect: ____________________

• A quality I want to develop: ____________________

Perhaps you already bring patience, warmth, loyalty, or a willingness to apologize. Perhaps you want to become more direct, emotionally open, dependable, or comfortable with disagreement.

One of the most revealing questions we can ask is:

What am I asking a future partner to provide that I also need to develop in myself?

If I want emotional openness, am I learning to speak honestly about my feelings?

If I want someone who communicates calmly, am I learning to remain present during difficult conversations?

If I want commitment, am I becoming someone who follows through on promises?

Reflection 5: My Choices

What will I do with this awareness?

Insight becomes more useful when it leads to action.

Instead of choosing a large or abstract goal, identify one small behavior you can practice now. You do not need to wait until you are married—or even dating—to develop healthier relationship habits.

An “if-then” plan can make a goal more concrete:

• Growth area: I avoid difficult conversations.

• Action: Practice expressing disagreement respectfully.

• If-then plan: If I disagree with someone this week, then I will express my view calmly instead of automatically withdrawing.
  

Now create your own:

• My growth area: ____________________

• One small action I can take: ____________________

• If ____________________, then I will ____________________.

What Will You Choose Intentionally?

Before asking, “Is this person right for me?” it is worth asking:

What am I bringing into this relationship?

Your history has shaped you, but it does not have to control you. Your values can guide you, but they deserve thoughtful examination. Your assumptions can be questioned. Your strengths can be carried forward. Your growth areas can become choices.

Healthy relationships are not built by two people who have completely resolved their pasts or perfected themselves. They are built by people who are increasingly willing to become aware, communicate honestly, and take responsibility for how they love.

What is one thing you understand more clearly about yourself after reading this?

And what do you want to choose intentionally?

Explore These Questions More Deeply

This article offers a starting point for reflection. In the workshop Know Yourself Before Choosing a Partner, participants move through these five areas with a guided handout, practical relationship scenarios, opportunities for discussion, and a personal action plan.

The workshop is designed for single adults who want to prepare more intentionally for a healthy marriage or long-term relationship—not by constructing a checklist for the perfect partner, but by becoming more aware of what they themselves bring into love.

Workshop dates and registration information will be shared here soon.

Research behind this article

Conger, R. D., Cui, M., Bryant, C. M., & Elder, G. H., Jr. (2000). Competence in early adult romantic relationships: A developmental perspective on family influences. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79(2), 224–237. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.79.2.224

Ferguson, E. K., Karantzas, G. C., Marshall, E. M., & Knox, L. (2023). The associations between relationship self-regulation, partner regulation, and relationship outcomes: A meta-analysis. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 15(4), 764–792. https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12508

Fletcher, G. J. O., Simpson, J. A., & Thomas, G. (2000). Ideals, perceptions, and evaluations in early relationship development. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79(6), 933–940. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.79.6.933

Gollwitzer, P. M., & Sheeran, P. (2006). Implementation intentions and goal achievement: A meta-analysis of effects and processes. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 69–119. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(06)38002-1

River, L. M., O’Reilly Treter, M., Rhoades, G. K., & Narayan, A. J. (2022). Parent-child relationship quality in the family of origin and later romantic relationship functioning: A systematic review. Family Process, 61(1), 259–277. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12650